Aaron Rodgers Returns for Record 61st Season
EAST RUTHERFORD — September 14, 2065
The NFL’s oldest active quarterback, Aaron Rodgers (age 81), returned for his record-shattering 61st professional season on Sunday, reigniting long-simmering controversy over the legality of bionic limb augmentation in professional sports.
From Achilles to Titanium
Rodgers, whose original Achilles tendon was last seen on display at the Canton Museum of Sports Medicine, now plays with a Regenerex™ CyberKnee and dual TitanFlex™ Nano-Ligaments. League doctors insist the enhancements merely “restore baseline human performance,” but critics say his “baseline” may now include outrunning half the rookie class.
“I don’t see a problem,” Rodgers told reporters. “It’s still me out there — just with fewer warranty issues.”
Neural Upgrades & Play-Calling Lag
During training camp, fans noticed Rodgers’ pre-snap reads happening before the defense lined up — a side-effect of the new NeuroLink PlayPredict 2.0 implant. Opposing coaches have filed grievances, claiming “mind latency differentials” violate the spirit of competition.
Commissioner Arch-Manning III responded: “We’re reviewing the firmware. Until then, the play stands.”
PED, Meet USB-C
The NFL’s Performance-Enhancement Division now monitors not just bloodwork but USB-C ports. Officials confirm surprise “firmware audits” are scheduled mid-season.
Meanwhile, fantasy platforms struggle to model Rodgers’ stats after his arm-mounted fusion-cell produced a 90-yard pass with zero drop. One analyst called it “the cleanest power curve since Tesla’s Model QB.”
Retirement Still “Year-to-Year”
Asked about retirement, Rodgers replied, “As long as my consciousness subscription stays active, I’m in.” Vegas lists him at +300 for an eighth MVP and −120 to be traded to the Green Bay Cyber-Packers.
Originally filed: October 14, 2025