Future Report 2065 — Tomorrow’s Fake News Today!

DETROIT — Apr 12, 2065

Forty years after production, Stellantis finally sells its first electric Dodge Charger — a 2025 showroom orphan bought by an anonymous collector.

AVIATION DESK — Apr 1, 2065

To solve the staffing crisis, the FAA replaces radar and tower systems with convex mirrors.

OXFORD, IN — Jul 14, 2065

Meteorologists stunned as Hell reports freezing temperatures.

WALL ST. — Oct 24, 2065

In an unprecedented move, a Fortune 500 firm will attempt to hire a CEO with ethics. Analysts call it bold, reckless, and career-ending.

TOKYO — Apr 1, 2065

GigaFlush Mountain™, Express Flush, and a 60-foot animatronic commode.

EAST RUTHERFORD — Sept 14, 2065

At 81, Rodgers ignites league-wide debate over bionic limbs, NeuroLink play-calling, and firmware audits.

GLOBAL — Mar 14, 2065

Tesla takes full control of Earth’s breathable air, launching O₂aaS with a hint of pine scent.

LAS VEGAS — Oct 18, 2065

Caesars expands its health portfolio with “All-Inclusive Recovery Suites,” merging post-op care and loyalty rewards under one roof.

CLIMATE DESK — June 11, 2065

A Colossal Meat experience knocks a diner icon off its greasy throne.

CLIMATE DESK — Aug 12, 2065

42 billion cows, one atmospheric cascade, zero attention span.

SPORTS DESK — August 12, 2065

Philly teams test free refills — sports fans react in real time.

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Oct 14, 2065

Hopevax aims to suppress early playoff delusions and midseason “mathematical possibility” syndrome.

ROME — Oct 20, 2065

Volunteer brigades, surplus-capture logistics, and “the holiest marketing strategy.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Jun 30, 2065

What began as a unemployment emergency measure is now the #1 pipeline into hospitality.