Fortune 500 Company Seeks Ethical CEO
NEW YORK — April 2, 2065
In what’s being described as an industry first, a Fortune 500 company has announced it will prioritize ethics in its search for a new CEO.
The company, which requested anonymity “out of fear of shareholder backlash,” explained its strategy: “With ever-shrinking margins and tightening competition, we decided to try something so crazy, so unheard of, that it just might work.”
Insiders say the timing was not coincidental. After Tesla’s unprecedented expansion into O2aaS (Related: Tesla Acquires Global Oxygen Supply) destabilized legacy revenue models across the Fortune 500, rival corporations have reportedly been scrambling for a PR shield to survive the fallout.
As a result, news of the “ethical CEO” experiment was interpreted on Wall Street as a sign of corporate desperation rather than virtue. The S&P 500 slid 8% as investors hedged against owning the company and analysts scrambled to model the impact of “doing the right thing” on quarterly guidance.
“They’re essentially asking for someone who doesn’t lie, manipulate, or exploit tax loopholes,” said one baffled executive recruiter. “That’s not just radical — it’s offensive.”
Inside sources say the board is split. Half support “testing ethics in a controlled environment,” while others fear it could spread to middle management. “You start with one ethical CEO, next thing you know, accounting’s telling the truth,” warned a director under condition of anonymity.
HR reportedly struggled to define “ethical.” “We were going to Google it,” said a spokesperson, “but realized that would just bring up Google.”
As of press time, the search has yielded zero qualified candidates. The leading applicant — a retired librarian with no corporate experience — was disqualified after failing to say “synergy” or “shareholder value” even once.
“If this fails,” a company spokesperson said, “we’ll simply throw a ton of money at someone like Aces Corleone (Related: Caesars Buys Las Vegas Hospital). It’s what we know best.”
Originally filed: October 22, 2025