Jurassic Pork Dethrones Waffle House
ATLANTA — June 11, 2065
In a development industry analysts are describing as “both appetizing and structurally concerning,” Jurassic Pork — the newly merged creation of Beyond Meat and Colossal Biosciences — has officially dethroned Waffle House as America’s Best Restaurant.
The announcement was made during the 2065 Blackstone-Spatula Index Awards, the hospitality benchmark that quietly replaced human reviews. The Index ranks restaurants not only by cuisine, but also by their sponsorship budget.
Waffle House held the top position for eighteen consecutive years, but Blackstone reps say Jurassic Pork simply “outperformed the category.” In a brief concession, Waffle House acknowledged the loss and said it would “work to increase Blackstone’s brand presence on printed menus and bathroom stalls ahead of next year’s review.”
Jurassic Pork rose to prominence shortly after Beyond Meat executives abandoned their original plan to produce ethical meat alternatives, a business model widely praised on social media but structurally incompatible with capitalism.
“We couldn’t make money in ethical meat,” one executive said during the Q2 earnings call, “so we removed the ethical part. The market rewarded the clarity.”
Early customer reviews have been largely positive, with one diner describing the experience as “tastes like chicken, only more expensive, and noticeably more self-aware.”
Because the animals are classified as a “heritage biodiversity asset,” Jurassic Pork enjoys the same regulatory protections as botanical gardens and historic battlefields — a designation that allows it to market dinner as “participatory preservation.” The company’s sustainability messaging urges diners not to “feel guilty for indulging,” but to “feel proud for intervening.”
Industry analysts say that distinction is the real innovation. In 2065, ethical dining isn’t about saving the animal — it’s about being seen consuming the correct one.
“This isn’t a story about a restaurant — it’s a story about where America now goes to feel morally superior while eating pork that’s older than the original Constitution.”
Originally filed: October 28, 2025